She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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