My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
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