Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
