i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
