i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
