i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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