I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
