My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
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At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
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Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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