Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
