I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
