he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
