I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
