I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
