I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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