i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
