If i come over, it means nothing
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
