I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
