I cannot find my penis.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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