i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
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I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize