She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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