the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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