I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
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In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
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