I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
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The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
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I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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