youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
