If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
