I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
