In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
