just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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