Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
