We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
