omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
