i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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