3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
