I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
