Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
