Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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