This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
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He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
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All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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