dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
