1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
