I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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