I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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