I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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