I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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