Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
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