Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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