What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
