i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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