I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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