If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
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I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
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Someone stole a lamp last night.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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