Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
