this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
