You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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