i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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