hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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