You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
