we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
