I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You are a genius and a whore.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
