The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
