Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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