just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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