she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
