You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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