My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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