Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
