Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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